First Day of the Carefree life.

No worries . . No target or goals set . . Nothing to look forward to . .

Slept at 8.30a.m woke at 4 p.m. . Lay in bed staring at the ceiling wondering about stuffs that are weird . . The First Day of the Carefree life . . aint a joyful feeling but a hollow empty feeling deep down . . Dizzy the whole day like you're sleep walking . . like you're still under morphine  . .

The only thing i knew that was going to happened was Kiwii my Godbrother was coming to drop by to pass a Mothers day gift to Mami . . Remembered being woke up by daddy and he asked me whether i wanted to follow his friend and be a photographer. . the only feelings i had were frustration, pissed and impatience. . i just wanted to lock myself alone in the room. I guess thats just the feeling of loosing something important in your life.Your only hope and aim for daily life.

Who am i kidding? Losing you aint easy for me . . just like the picture of you and her . . even though i like your smile in that pic but it just hurts me and cause me internal bleeding whenever i look at it. I promised myself i would stay strong.I would be that miss independent one day.

I would give myself time now even if i'm suffering and feeling lost all the time.i know i'll find my way one day . I just have to endure the pain now. I would not let you know how much pain is in me now and put on a mask showing you i'm strong and cold. this way you'll let go easier . . Sometimes the inside of me just hurts so much till i become numb, till its natural morphine.I dont know am i hungry. . i dont know am i sleeping . . i don't know is it a dream or reality. But I Force myself to stay strong . . try hard to pull myself up whenever this feelings come.try to wake myself up. Unfortunately, whenever the little girl in me thinking that this is just a bad dream was always disappointed and scared. Its reality alena, I keep reminding myself to get use to it.The little girl in me cries till even the grown up in me cant defend. That constant cry, its something unstoppable . I guess no matter how grown up i can get, there's always this little girl inside. Maybe the grown up side is a protective layer just to keep the little girl safe. I will give it time, few months? 1 year? who knows. . but one day i'll be better and heal. I'll love myself and not depend. One day i'll disappear for a period of time and when i come back, people will see my changes. Not the little girl ,that kiddo no more, but that young independent lady.

I wrote something on her fb today. . "Life is NOT A MOVIE! NOT A DRAMA! Choices are in your hands . . to go for the better or make it worse . . its up to you. . Stop be so childish ! its your life so appreciate it ! alot of people want to continue living but they couldnt and you just wanna sabotage your life just like that?儿戏! How could you Love someone when you cant even Love yourself . .Please learn from your mistakes and stop being a kid . Sitting there crying doesnt help at all! learn to fall down and get up by yourself! Dont only use words as only actions count. Are you trying to tell me about 人生如戏?? pfft! please ! If its like that . . how many movies you wanna be? James bond? superman? catwoman? ironman? sherk? tamil movie ? korean series? Japanese AV ? Chinese olden series? How many can you be? ITS YOUR LIFE FOR GODSAKE! ITS YOUR CHOICE TO MAKE IT HOW YOU WANT IT TO BE ! STOP BEING SUCH A DARN COWARD ... See moreCOPYCAT Following all the stinkin movies! when we watch movies we will also say "都说是做戏,what do you expect?" What about this sentence? MOVIES ARE MOVIES! REALITY IS REALITY! GROW UP AND FACE THE FUCKING FACTS! GROW UP ! Why dont i see you acting Like Those AV girls in reality? Tell me why? they just Fuck all day . . so life is like movies? Fuck The whole day? Whole life get Fucked by others? or do you wanna be toy story? GO hide under a cone and run across the street then! find yourself an owner! write His/her name under your Boot! if there were a way to give your life to a dead person who will really truly cherish life I would be the first to tell you. as i think that person will deserve life more ! you just take life as a joke! a worthless thing.always never change! The life is yours! not others! If you want a partner you must learn to love yourself only you know how to love another! as people wants to be treated as how you would treat yourself . You dont know what love is. Never changing attitude. i have nothing to tell you anymore as it would just be a waste of breath telling you and you not getting it ! Think for yourself! all the best to you."

Even though i already promised myself to not say all these rubbish when we part,but i hope she will know how to take care and learn to love herself before she could know how to love another.Okay. . this is the last. no more talking rubbish to her. so hard to not care . .

i must get out of this condition A.S.A.P.. Look on the bright side..Stop admiring others having such sweet relationships. stop stop stop. Rawrr that thought out of my head . . Being alone ain't that bad .. 'm strong ..and i will . .

STAY STRONG ! ! ♥

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