it hurts...

Speechless.....


i can't express all my sadness into words...
it is just.. indescribable....

it hurts... 
2 years ago....my heart just shattered into pieces...

which hurt the most i wonder... 

a heart that shattered into pieces in a split second? 

or

a heart that slowly shattered into pieces... ?

I've put.. tape and glue all around my heart...
not just putting it together..but also putting cotton around it... 
so afraid.... that.. i could feel those poison
 needles again...

i try to forget about it....the past..... the past IS the past.. 

there is nothing we can do to change the past. but we can make new decisions.. 

so i try to move on. I try.... 

Maybe i'm just.. not strong enough? 

Things are... were... getting better...

Maybe... i'm just too pessimistic? 
Maybe... cause i just can't forget the past...
The poison needles that pierce through my heart which cause it to shattered...

its hurts.... 

the needles hurts...

i felt it again last night.... just a little of it..... 

and it hurts.....

standing there... in the cold whether... 

as the cold wind blows...

it feels so good...

it is so cold.. but it feels sooo goood..... 

my whole body just feels so numb....

so numb.. that i can't feel the poison needles anymore...

felt so emotionless..felt so... free from the pain.. 

i don't want chocolate to make me feel better....
i don't want some other guysss to cheer me up...
i don't want to cry my eyes out...
i don't want the cold to numb me...
because all these doesn't last long.. 
at least not long enough until i can get back up onto my feet..
i just want you...because all these began with you.... 






i saw your upset face.. for the first time of 5 and a half years.... 
i can't forget that expression..... 
it was and is eating me up.... 
it hurts...
i wanted to turn away.. and not look....
but i couldn't... i force myself to just stare into your eyes....  
i wanted to say.. sorry... no... because this word does not exist in our dictionary... 
i wanted to say.. i love you.. but i don't why i just couldn't bring myself to say it. 
i wanted to say.. something.....
but nothing came out..... 

i miss you...

i love you...

you mean everything to me.... 

i'm not just saying it as words.... 

but i truly mean it from my heart...

love.

ms.grace

Innocent shattered heart.

" Be selfish sometimes.. the world is cruel world... you have to look out for yourself. what our parents say being nice and being justice are just lies. " said by someone i know. 

Almost everyone starts out the same...

A baby... a Child.... is so gullible.. whatever their parents say.. they would believe it. 

Its alright for a child to have fantasy and knowing they are in the protection of their parents' hands.

Too much protection.. leads one to have a Warm Pure Heart which is so Fragile 

that one would believed anything and everything.

Is it wrong.. to protect someone you love from cruelty of the world?  

Once a Warm Pure Heart is shattered ...3 ways one would act. 

1. Gather them together.. Stay Strong and continue having that Warm Pure Heart.

2. Putting them into a Jar and Never Trusting anyone anymore.

3. Being in the middle.. Not trusting anyone... but yet... still trying one best to keep a Warm Pure Heart.

1.

One who is able to Stay Strong with a Shattered heart...

Would need to have a lot of Courage... Strength... Faith.. and .. Hope.. to cope with the cruelty in this world... and continue sharing their warmness around.  

2.

Keeping a Shattered heart in a jar in the freezer .. 

Is one who has given up... because it is not easy at all..

Its so difficult to know what is the truth and what is a lie.  

Trusting someone would be a BIG step for one to take.

Everything would seem to be so vague. 

Its not the same no more. 

Even if someone is telling the truth... 

Questions would be running around in one's mind. 

What if.... what if its a LIE? What.. If.... 

Its so hard to have an optimistic mind.

Is it one's fault though.. to be afraid after a Warm Pure Heart is SHATTERED?

Harden a Warm Pure heart.. making it so cold just like ice is only what one can do to protect oneself. 

Is it a crime.. to protect yourself from the cruelty of the outside world...? 

Moreover is it a crime ... of freezing it.... waiting for someone right and special to give them the warmness of hope and strength again? 

3. 

What if... 

One is trying to protect the their heart ... do not wish to freeze it... because one still has the longing to share it with other people who are in worse situation... is that a wrong? 

Allowing people to trust you with their problems.. so that there would be at least one less person in this world who has lost hope... because you know how it is like to be hurt, lonely and have no confidence.... 

Is it a crime.... to have that longing to share that Warm Pure Heart? 

Yet...Trusting other people yourself is just as hard as climbing a mountain in winter...

How is it so... that one is able to warm other people hearts with words of courage, physically warm hugs, and firm support... but yet.. unable to help yourself.... ?

 " With friends, family and a loving boyfriend around you... yet.. your heart is still cold.. Able to help other people around you.. but yet...why are you unable to pick yourself up?? "

A question that always wonders around her head. 

love.

ms.grace