First Day of the Carefree life.

No worries . . No target or goals set . . Nothing to look forward to . .

Slept at 8.30a.m woke at 4 p.m. . Lay in bed staring at the ceiling wondering about stuffs that are weird . . The First Day of the Carefree life . . aint a joyful feeling but a hollow empty feeling deep down . . Dizzy the whole day like you're sleep walking . . like you're still under morphine  . .

The only thing i knew that was going to happened was Kiwii my Godbrother was coming to drop by to pass a Mothers day gift to Mami . . Remembered being woke up by daddy and he asked me whether i wanted to follow his friend and be a photographer. . the only feelings i had were frustration, pissed and impatience. . i just wanted to lock myself alone in the room. I guess thats just the feeling of loosing something important in your life.Your only hope and aim for daily life.

Who am i kidding? Losing you aint easy for me . . just like the picture of you and her . . even though i like your smile in that pic but it just hurts me and cause me internal bleeding whenever i look at it. I promised myself i would stay strong.I would be that miss independent one day.

I would give myself time now even if i'm suffering and feeling lost all the time.i know i'll find my way one day . I just have to endure the pain now. I would not let you know how much pain is in me now and put on a mask showing you i'm strong and cold. this way you'll let go easier . . Sometimes the inside of me just hurts so much till i become numb, till its natural morphine.I dont know am i hungry. . i dont know am i sleeping . . i don't know is it a dream or reality. But I Force myself to stay strong . . try hard to pull myself up whenever this feelings come.try to wake myself up. Unfortunately, whenever the little girl in me thinking that this is just a bad dream was always disappointed and scared. Its reality alena, I keep reminding myself to get use to it.The little girl in me cries till even the grown up in me cant defend. That constant cry, its something unstoppable . I guess no matter how grown up i can get, there's always this little girl inside. Maybe the grown up side is a protective layer just to keep the little girl safe. I will give it time, few months? 1 year? who knows. . but one day i'll be better and heal. I'll love myself and not depend. One day i'll disappear for a period of time and when i come back, people will see my changes. Not the little girl ,that kiddo no more, but that young independent lady.

I wrote something on her fb today. . "Life is NOT A MOVIE! NOT A DRAMA! Choices are in your hands . . to go for the better or make it worse . . its up to you. . Stop be so childish ! its your life so appreciate it ! alot of people want to continue living but they couldnt and you just wanna sabotage your life just like that?儿戏! How could you Love someone when you cant even Love yourself . .Please learn from your mistakes and stop being a kid . Sitting there crying doesnt help at all! learn to fall down and get up by yourself! Dont only use words as only actions count. Are you trying to tell me about 人生如戏?? pfft! please ! If its like that . . how many movies you wanna be? James bond? superman? catwoman? ironman? sherk? tamil movie ? korean series? Japanese AV ? Chinese olden series? How many can you be? ITS YOUR LIFE FOR GODSAKE! ITS YOUR CHOICE TO MAKE IT HOW YOU WANT IT TO BE ! STOP BEING SUCH A DARN COWARD ... See moreCOPYCAT Following all the stinkin movies! when we watch movies we will also say "都说是做戏,what do you expect?" What about this sentence? MOVIES ARE MOVIES! REALITY IS REALITY! GROW UP AND FACE THE FUCKING FACTS! GROW UP ! Why dont i see you acting Like Those AV girls in reality? Tell me why? they just Fuck all day . . so life is like movies? Fuck The whole day? Whole life get Fucked by others? or do you wanna be toy story? GO hide under a cone and run across the street then! find yourself an owner! write His/her name under your Boot! if there were a way to give your life to a dead person who will really truly cherish life I would be the first to tell you. as i think that person will deserve life more ! you just take life as a joke! a worthless thing.always never change! The life is yours! not others! If you want a partner you must learn to love yourself only you know how to love another! as people wants to be treated as how you would treat yourself . You dont know what love is. Never changing attitude. i have nothing to tell you anymore as it would just be a waste of breath telling you and you not getting it ! Think for yourself! all the best to you."

Even though i already promised myself to not say all these rubbish when we part,but i hope she will know how to take care and learn to love herself before she could know how to love another.Okay. . this is the last. no more talking rubbish to her. so hard to not care . .

i must get out of this condition A.S.A.P.. Look on the bright side..Stop admiring others having such sweet relationships. stop stop stop. Rawrr that thought out of my head . . Being alone ain't that bad .. 'm strong ..and i will . .

STAY STRONG ! ! ♥

259695。5741920,1930。532062,51020。53782,5360。687,574839。065。74520。

曾经轰轰烈烈地爱你。。到最后才发现你对我的爱是一场戏，一个谎言。 。

我以为我出现的时候刚好你和他正说要分开。 。 我以为你已对他不再期待，不纵

容他再给你伤害。 。 我以为我的温柔能给你真的愉悦。 。 我以为我能全力填满

你感情缺口。 。专心陪在你左右弥补他一切的错。 。 也许我太过天真，以为奇迹

会发生。 。 我以为终究你会慢慢明白他的心不在你身上。 。 我的关心你依然无

动于衷。 。 我的以为只是我以为。 。 我以为我够坚强，却一天天地失望。 。

少给我一点希望，希望就不是奢望。 。

如果你们分手了，再为他做15件事吧 证明你真的爱他。 。 是你在网上分享的一篇

文章。。把她写你的信，送你的礼物和你们的照片好好收起 (你应该终于知道你是

真的还爱她吧?) =) 。。当别人问起你们的时候，要说自己不对(是你以前每次告诉

我都怪你对她不够好失去了她)。 她生日那天向着/她所在的那片天空说生日快乐，

哪怕/她听不到(那时你应该是想祝她，只是知道我敏感，怕我介意。。怕我伤心)

。 。 这是我说你还爱她的原因。。希望你终于明白。。我比不上任何人。。我没

资格要你为我忘了她，因为她比我做得多。。

我敏感。。我一直扮演坚强。。我一直忍。。以为迁就就可以了。。以为等待就会

有永远。。原来不是。。原来等待是最笨的事情。。以为一直给你机会我们就能转

好。。可是好了一下就变回一样。。我离开因为我受不了这个脾气了。。我自己已

有问题，我再也受不了其他坏事。。我现需要的不是这个。。我现需要找回我那一

点点的快乐。。我已发生了一个很大的问题。。我已没有家人。。我已很怕再被人

伤害。。我今天却被你深深伤害。。对不起。。是我没有用，我坚强不起了。。因

为当我失去家人时，我已很无助。。我曾希望你会了解体谅我。。因为这对我来说

是个很大的打击。。我现需要保护自己。。请你原谅我。。我受不起伤害了。。

有时我真的想知道你到底会不会心疼我。。一直问自己你为何每次弄痛我。。吵架

后，我手与脚都会多了黑青。。嘴唇有时还会有血的味道。。而傻傻的我在那时为

何第一时间想到的是不能让你看到。。有时我觉得给你看到也没有东西你根本不会

为我心痛。。其实你到底会不会看到我痛时心痛? 为什么你就是那么喜欢弄痛我?你

也不再尊重我。。我们以前说好的已不再做。。就像不说粗口。。可是现粗口也越

来越多了。。我不介意了。。有些问题可能因为我介意，我在意所以才发生。。就

像弄到与你和很多人做不了朋友。。我们之间的信任已不在。。所以一直疑心重。。

我终于看开了。。不再怕失去你。。因为世界就注定我一个人过。。你不是我的。。

你是别人的。。我也不是你的。。我只在你世界路过顺便陪你走一段路的陌生人。。

你不能再跟我走我的路。。因为我们两方都不属对方。。就像北极熊不属沙漠，骆

驼不属北极。。我给不到你幸福快乐。。你也承认你很辛苦。。我试过很多方式维

持我们的感情。。可是现在我不知我能再做什么。。我看开因为我已经失去太多东

西。。也逼自己习惯世上没有永远的一回事。。我等得很累。。等不到你终于发现

我有多么的爱你。。因为你我放弃了很多东西。。我做什么都为你着想。。不告诉

你我的问题因为我宁愿你生气我都不要你伤心也想避免吵架之因。。有时告诉了你，

你却不知道还说我没告诉你。。不知该笑你傻还是什么。。哈哈。。你知道吗? 我

一直都希望能扮到美美。。只希望你会开心有个美的女友。。可是我却很自卑为什

么我就是做不到。。

我后悔了。。后悔那么快与你在一起。。没给到你机会真正选我还是她。。可是我

和你在一起我真的很幸福很快乐。。虽然上云顶我真的很开心。。就算没熊熊我都

一样开心因为你已尽了力。。就算要热晒雨林等你玩你的东东我也开心,因为我拍到了你的照..其实不是我不想与你玩，而是我怕驾车。。对不起，没得陪你玩。。就算要回家时出现问题，但我很高兴问题发生的时候是与你一起的时候。。我最开心最幸福的原来不只

是能在醒来时第一个就见到的是你。。而是在你说你迁就我。。我那时开心得脑袋

都空白了一片。。虽然上云顶我很开心。。我却很后悔陪你做了你第一次这样的经

验。。我希望那陪你有这美好回忆的人不是我，而是你真爱。。很抱歉。。

曾经想过有机会与你永远，可是你说你不相信永远。。是以前的她逼你相信。。我

虽觉得很不公平我却没要逼你。。我以为等待就会有一天能戴上真正属于我们的戒

指。。当那时我说要弄我们的戒指时，虽是我要求也是个很便宜的戒指。。可是你

应该不知道我戴上戒指时有多开心。。我人做什么都有原因有意思。。就像脱了那

条链一样。。那条链是给我感觉到你的陪伴与保护。。可是我已感觉不到你只觉得

我一个人。。你要我怎样再感觉你的保护与陪伴?我曾经为你相信明天就是未来.

你可以说我不珍惜。。可以说我不爱你。。可是你不能说我恨你，不能说我因为给

前任甩而不服气拿你来报复。。因为是我甩她。。不是她甩我。。一段恋情就算我

们在云顶玩那船一样。。不是一个人一直在努力而另一方不动坐在那儿。。这样那

一方只会越来越累。。偶尔开心因为另一方会出下力可是到最后又失望因为又是一

个人了。。我不是介意云顶发生的这个东西。。我明白你不舒服。。所以再累都努

力继续下去。。爱不在乎不计较付出多少。。因为是心甘情愿。。我说过要我们坦

白因为坦白是能救我们的感情能给我安全感。。就像你坦白告诉我你不舒服。。我

就不会介意什么而努力继续划那船。。可是我们最近已开始对彼此假装。。在一起

还有什么意思呢? 别到最后才对我坦白。。别在我要离开是说你心疼与爱我。。别

再我离开时才说你知道我有多爱你因为我离开时要你记得的是我伤害你，要你容易

放下我忘记我。。别在我要离开时拥威胁来挽留我。。因为我会不明白为什么你能

好好的追回以前的她对她那么好，可是我不能。。可能因为她对你比较好，做的比

我多。。所以我不敢要求你对我有多好。。我只当你对我好是我幸运得到的优惠也

很感激你。。这是我们以前的信。。你还记得吗? 以前的我们真的很可爱。。哈哈。。

Sat, 7 Feb 2009 19:59:34 +0800

Sorry.. It was my fault too..

Sorry that I don’t know you are in a bad mood recently.. You can tell me

your problems.. Although I might be facing some problems.. But I still want

you to tell me and not keep it all by yourself.. You can try talk to me..

Sorry that I’m selfish.. For not letting you joining cheer.. I’m know

I’m controlling you.. But now you decided to join, just go ahead.. Maybe

I will find a job to do to past my time.. Just join happily.. Don’t worry

me..

Sorry for asking you that question.. I knew the answer.. But I still asked

it.. Because sometimes I don’t feel like I’m.. I know its hurt when you

read this.. But I just saying it out to let you know.. I’m sorry for asking

those stupid question..

Sorry for having a bad mood.. Actually I did not want you to go home that

fast.. I knew the atmosphere will be awkward.. But I just hope you were

there with me.. I knew I was bad in temper with anger and tears.. Sorry

for causing you troubles.. But do you know that I got a sense that you will

cry?? So next time I want you cry in front of me.. But not alone.. I’ll

be more worry and cant remember your smile.. Next time anything happen just

cry in front of me.. I hope I can lend you my shoulder to lay on..

Sorry for sending that message to you.. Actually what I wanted to tell you

was that I will be going home because I’m having dinner at my aunt’s house.

. That’s it.. I can tell you thru message.. Just that I wanted to listen

your voice..

Sorry for telling you that I hate fakers.. That’s why you will think that

I hate you.. To be frankly.. I really hate fakers.. I hate people who act..

I don’t want you to act.. I want you to be yourself.. Don’t act as if

there’s nothing happen.. I don’t want you to act tough.. Just worry and

care bout me.. Don’t hide it.. I want you to be the real you..

Sorry for telling you the problems.. I hate myself for doing that.. I really

regret.. I don’t want you to be insecure.. I want you to be like last time..

 Fully secure.. In other side.. I’m happy to tell you the incident.. At

least I’m not lying to you.. I let you know everything.. But trust me..

I wouldn’t let it happen for the second time.. It will be the first and

last.. My kiss is just for you.. The only you..

Sorry for letting you to think that you do not match me.. Maybe Pui Yee’

s attitudes might suits me.. But I don’t like her.. Just don’t know why..

If you ask me to choose either one.. I will choose you.. I’m having fun

with her because I’m a kind of person that easy to have fun with.. I cant

have fun with others too.. Like Yao Ann, Ko Li, Shook Yen and more.. I just

want you to know that I can get along with your friends well if I go out

with them.. This happen to be same as me.. I hope you can get along well

with my friends too..

Sorry for letting you think too much.. Maybe you think that I will fall

for another 1 day.. Maybe I will dump you and search a new 1.. Maybe I flirt

a lot and always look at pretty girls.. Comment about them and praising

them.. That do not mean anything.. It does not mean that I will chase them

o get them phone number although I always say so.. But I can guarantee that

I wont simply dump a person or fall for another that easily.. So don’t

think too much.. I know you still will..  I really hope you can be selfish

on this.. I really hope so.. Hold on me tight and will not let me go other

that easily..

Sorry for my words and actions.. Sometimes I might be too straight forward

and its hurt you.. But I don’t mean hurting you.. Maybe I just being too

myself and did not care about your feelings.. I will beware of it.. So its

not too over.. You want me to be myself.. I want you to be yourself too..

Sorry for always telling you that you what also don’t dare to do.. I know

its because of your ex.. That’s why now you don’t dare to do anything

on me.. But I want you to forget about the past.. Forget her.. I’m who

I’m.. I’ different from her.. So just do it.. Don’t scare of it..

Sorry for letting you think that you caused me a lot of troubles.. Actually

you did not.. Is ok that I waste my money on you.. Better on some useless

stuffs.. I fetch you because I don’t want you to take cab.. You should

know how dangerous is for a girl to sit taxi.. Although is morning.. But

it still will be dangerous.. I fetch you is because I willing to do so..

Plus my classes end early.. And is the same way as I’m going home.. So there

wont be any troubles for me.. I just want you to be safe..

Sorry that I made you cried too.. I feel so bad.. I know I hurt you.. But

is not purposely.. I’m sorry..

Sorry..I dont know how to comfort you...

~Is ok.. you can try.. Maybe you haven’t try to comfort bf before..

Sorry..i am childish...

~I’m childish too..

Sorry.. I dont know anything...

~You can try learning.. Take a step..

Sorry..I am so stupid and dumb...

~Actually I know you are not stupid and dumb.. Just that you don’t know

how to express it.. Try express it out..

Sorry.. for all the suffering and sadness...

~I’m giving you all these too..

Sorry..i always make you annoyed...

~Not really that always.. But actually there’s nothing..

Sorry..I always play while you are serious..

~I know you are playful.. Sometimes it happen on me too.. Just even the

time I really want to know the answer.. I alwso play when you are serious..

Sorry..to always make you wait...

~I’m willing to wait.. I know you are facing some transport problems..

Have to wait for mummy.. I kmow I always say it and I don’t really mean

it.. I know you don’t want to..

Sorry..i dont know what you want..

~Maybe I want something more and I ask for more.. I just want you to really

care for me and show it out..I’m a person that always try to attract others.

. Just to get them looking at me.. Praising me.. So I really hope you can

show out your careness.. You can ask me what I want..

Sorry.. sometimes I dont know what to say or do..

~You can try to say something or do something.. Maybe because of your ex??

Sorry..i always say 'you like'..'anything'..'nothing' but i really mean

it..

~I don’t want you to say that.. Just like you dislike people saying that..

I want you to have your own opinion.. Not follow whatever others say..

Sorry... i always say dont know...Sometimes I really dont know and sometimes

i just dont dare to say out or it aint the right time...

~Why don’t dare?? Just say it out.. Don’t hide it.. If you really know..

I want you to answer that you know..

Sorry..I changed bad...

~I know.. Maybe its because the incidents that happened recently.. But I

hope to get back the previous ALENA LEONG YEN TENG..

Sorry..I couldnt be what you want...

~What I want could be more.. I ask for more.. Because of previous relationship.

. Maybe I don’t get to use to it the way we together..

Sorry...that you had to know me...

~You had to know me too.. Is the same..

Sorry..that i'm your gf...

~I’m your bf too.. What for telling me sorry..

Sorry..even though that time I know you still have feelings for your ex

but i still want to knock my head in...

~I do not have feelings on her.. Maybe I use to do so.. Or maybe I love

her too deep.. But when I ask you the question on 18/7.. I don’t have feelings

on her anymore.. If yes I will just be back with her when she told me that

she still have feeling on me..

Sorry..we started too fast and early...

~I know we started to fast.. We didn’t get that to know each other that

much.. But is not a problem.. I know when a relationship started fast, it

will end fast to.. But I know we wont..

Sorry..I do not understand..

~What you don’t understand?? I can explain to you slowly..

Sorry..you had to give me all your time..

~I willing to give you all my time.. Not that you wanted for it or I want

it purposely.. But I really willing to do so.. I want to be with you every

hour every minute and every second that I could..

Sorry..your tears drop for me...

~If I don’t drop for you, who am I dropping for?? I will just drop my tears

for my precious want.. Just like you are dropping your tears for me too..

Sorry..that i did not regret of being with you..

~I did not regret being with you too.. I’m happy with it.. Although sometimes

is suffer.. But I know when everything goes well.. It will be sweet.. Just

like what we said.. Bittersweet..

Sorry.. i thought of leaving...

~Don’t think of leaving. Don’t dump me alone facing everythings.. I need

you..

Sorry..i made you thought of breaking up..

~That’s previous.. But now I just thought of being with you till the day

I can..

Sorry..that i want our future...

~I want our future too.. I want to stay with you and having a house with

you.. I’m waiting for you to be independent..

Sorry..i made you think it wouldnt last long..

~Did you make me think so?? Sometimes yes.. Sometimes no.. Do you think

we can last long??

Sorry..i am sensitif..

~I’m sensitive too.. I get sensitive easily.. Especially the things you

say bout your ex and others boys..

Sorry.. i make you confuse..

~What confuse do I have?? Is not confuse.. Is “duo xin”

Sorry..even i want to be selfish towards you but i couldnt...

~I know I’m selfish towards you.. I really hope you can be selfish.. I

really hope you can try controlling me and not just let me free that easily..

Sorry.. i always broke my promises..

~Then can you keep your promises and don’t break it anymore??

Sorry..I always do not listen to you..

~Then can you listen to what I say??

Sorry..I couldnt be there for you...

~You have to ask mummy to go out and cant go home that late.. Plus you don’

t have a car.. I know you will be there for me when you have a car and y=have

your freedom.. Right??

Sorry...i hurt you alot..

~Is ok.. I hurt you too.. I know you wont hurt me again right??

Sorry..I always do all the things you dislike..

~Examples like what??

Sorry..you have to see so many of the word you hate..Sorry..

~Not that I really hate sorry.. Is just that I don’t want you to get use

to it.. Always telling me sorry.. I hope something different from sorry..

Sorry..you dont trust me..

~Not that I don’t trust you.. Is because I’m scare.. I scare those people

who chase you and telling you that they like you. And is because of your

ex.. Which keep telling you that she still likes you.. I’M fear of her..

Sorry..I am not a good gf...

~If you say you are not a good gf.. Then why you can be a good gf when you

was with your ex.. I know you realize that you treated your ex much more

better than how you treated me.. I felt jealous whenever you told me what

you buy for her.. What you did for her.. The things you tell her.. Called

lou gong.. And etc..

Sorry..I always think too much..

~I think too much also.. That’s why when I’m quiet.. I’m thinking too

much about the thins you say..

Sorry..I cant give you what you want...

~You know what I want?? I just want you to treat me like how you treated

your ex.. You treated her better then me..

Sorry..I have a bad attitude...

~What bad attitude you mean?? You can change it if you feel is bad.. Just

like I’m changing for you.. For not saying vulgar words and more..

Sorry..i dont know how to take care and you always have to worry..

~When you are alone.. I want you to take care yourself.. When you are with

me.. I can take care of you.. Can you really take care yourself like what

you promise me??

Sorry..i always make you think i wouldnt say out anything

~Because sometimes you hid it.. You told me the day after or after a long

time..I don’t want like that.. I want you to tell me immediately.. Whenever

you say nothing.. The day after.. You will only tell me.. I dont want that..

Sorry..I make you dont know what i'm thinking...

~Because you wont  tell me.. Whenever I ask you.. You will just tell me

nothing although there’re something.. Just like the cheers case..

Sorry..I did not give you anything...

~What things you mean?? Since you know it.. Then why not you do it??

Sorry..you had to be with me..

~You have to be with me too..

Sorry ..I'm a failure..

~You wont success if you do not fail.. Everyone is a failure before they

success.. Even me.. I was a failure last time.. But I succeed..

Sorry..i told you i love you..

~This goes to me also..

Sorry..I just wished you were here as i need you...

~I wanted to.. but as you said that we were both having tears and anger..

It will just make it worst.. But I will be there whenever you need me..

Sorry..my tears drop easily n am crying...

~I drop my tears easily.. As I was reading this yesterday.. My tears dropped

non stop..

Sorry..I am weak..

~Don’t be wear.. Try to be strong.. What if I’m not there with you..

Sorry ...maybe i will break my promise again..

~Please don’t.. I don’t want you to break your promise.. A promise is

a promise.. Is deeper and stronger than a dare..

Sorry..maybe its the end...

~Are we ending now?? So don’t say so if it no and if you don’t want to..

I don’t want an end..

Sorry..maybe I could not be there for you and accompany you anymore...

~I wan to be selfish.. I want you to be there for me and keep accompany

me as long as you can..

Do you know I love you more than I can say and more than the actions I do??

I really love you very much..

I love you..

KAREN YONG CHIN YEE LOVE ALENA LEONG YEN TENG VERY MUCH..

Give me your hand and I will take care of you.. Till the day I cant..

爱上你，是我改不了也不愿改的习惯。。 要放开哪有那么简单 ?了解你，是我说不

出 也不承认的悲哀。。包容你，是我体谅的爱别当作应该。。我可以忍受你不够爱

我。。我可以忍受你有别的梦。。就算是编谎话骗我。。至少你还在乎我的感受。。

我可以忍受眼神的空洞。。 我可以忍受你时间不够用却不能忍受做了那么多是她拥

有我该得到的温柔。。不要说 对不起原来你要的不是我。。不要说谢谢你，什么你

永远在我心中。。这样的我，你也曾爱过不是吗?

我不能忍受的是她拥有 我没看过的笑容。。

答应过你我离开时不再跟你说鬼话。。你离开时也不再说。。所以很多东西都没能

再告诉你。。如果一天我死了。。别惊讶我没留过一句话或报梦给你。。因为我答

应了要守着这诺言知道永远。。就算我爱你，我也不会再跟你说不让你知道。。让

你好好地离开我。。

希望你别再收着我的东西了。。请你保持冷静，忘了我。。把回忆都洗掉。。当发

梦。。请你开始新的生活。。永别了。。我们从今天起。。不再认识。。祝你会比

从前快乐。。


 Cuts, Scars, Bruises, Lies and fake laughs.Fake smiles, Constant cries and a horrifying past. Broken promises, Lost loves. . and the " TRUST ME" that didn't last. I give all my Love to YOU, knowing it will never be returned.♥